Pain

I told myself to be strong, that I could make it through this new evolution of our friendship, but this is not a friendship. Friendships don't hurt this way, they don't revolve around one person's life. They don't leave one person waiting all of the time, hoping. There are days, times like right now, where I just want to walk out on you the way that you have walked out on me. And it kills me inside because it seems so damned easy for you. Six years have faded away in less than a month. Six years. I don't understand why that doesn't make you bleed inside, too.

My birthday is next week. So is yours. I have a strong feeling that we won't be part of those times either. I fucking hate this.

I love you. I know when we talk now that you don't want me to love you anymore, but I can't help it. I think you're trying your dead level best to forget your feelings for me, too. And I want to understand why you're doing this, why you're erasing everything, why you're letting it slip through your fingertips, why you're letting me disappear, but I can't. I think what surprises me the most is that I guess I never thought that there'd be a time where I wouldn't at least be on par with her. It feels like I'm on the last rung. Look for me at the bottom of the barrel now. Save her. Sacrifice me

And it's all of my own stupid, fucking fault.

Times like right now I wish that I could rip my heart out and throw it away.

But, dammit, I fucking love you. Just know that. I don't know what you should do with it, but don't forget it.

--
your whatever I am now