Shameful Admission

I've been thinking a lot since the last time we were able to talk. I don't know if I can do this anymore. I don't know what's in it for us now. At least before it was like we were working towards something, that we had something, but I don't know what's even left for us now.

I guess that I've dealt with the fact that I'll never have you. I've made peace with the idea that we'll never be a real part of one another's lives. But, when we were able to share just a small sliver of affection for one another, that made all the difference in the world to me. A phone call, a message, an e-mail...that was all I ever needed to keep me going just a little longer.

We can't share any of that anymore.

And I ask you here because I don't have anywhere else to go for the answers to these questions. I feel so awful for even having these thoughts. Please believe that I don't want to lose you, but knowing that I can't ever win you either is making it so difficult to keep this going. Every conversation feels like you're sliding through my fingertips and nothing that I could do is going to bring you back into me again. We're slipping away from one another. And it hurts so much.

What do I do, lover? You know I'll do anything you ask of me...but, I'm so lost without you now. I only want what's best for you, for us.

I've lost all of my power.

Ever yours,
Ari