Nothing to Say to You.
09 February 2005
What do you want with me now? Why are you calling still? Why can't you make up your mind? Why do I become something that you run back to when you remember how it could have been with us? Why does your mouth say those things? Why does your body do those things? Why was it her and not me? Why is her and me and her and not me at the same time now? Why are we playing games? Why am I letting you fuck with my head so severely? What am I hoping will come from this? Why do I believe on some level that you'll come crawling back to me? Is it because you do almost every single day? Do I gain some sort of sick satisfaction from torturing myself, from letting you slowly torture me? I'm so done with this now. I can't pull through it any longer. We both have a choice to make. Two months is far too long to do this to another person and despite whatever your head may tell you, I didn't do anything to deserve the way that you treat me. I am not your emotional punching bag and I am not your mommy. I am a woman who gave her heart to you with both hands, who gave her body to you with each cell and a woman whom you continue to punish even when you've gone away.
And I keep trying, believe me I do, but I just can't understand this anymore. I can't explain you away the way I used to be able. Maybe you've even slipped through my fingers.
--
Arianne
