[Solipsism]
n.Philosophy. 1. The theory that the self is the only thing that can be known and verified. 2. The theory or view that the self is the only reality.//solopsist (n.)solipsistic (adj.) solipsistically(adv.) [Latin solus (alone) + ipse (self).]

Make it Stop.

28 November 2004
I can feel myself starting to lose it and I'm getting pretty concerned. I know that I'm depressed again and to combat the lurking and overwhelming sadness and numbness, I've started doubling my medication. But, I don't think it's working.

I don't know what's going on with me, why I'm feeling this way. I feel like I'm on the verge of an extended crying jag all of the time. I can't focus any of my energy. I don't feel like doing anything at all. It's driving me nuts. I want to get up and get shit done, but I can't bring myself to do it.

I keep thinking unhealthy thoughts. Failure with boys, failure with school, failure with personal goals, failure in general. Those are things I can manage to focus my time and energy on. I keep trying to stop them, but they just keep coming. I need an outlet. Something to fucking do. I need dance. I need to burn it out of myself so it goes the fuck away.

What happened to me? I miss my vibrancy. I was on fire with life. It burst from my fingertips. I could do anything! I used to be so fun. I used to enjoy being with myself. I like laughing and smiling. Why can't I do it?

And I'm so boring. So freaking boring. I can't think of anything intelligent to say anymore that isn't wholly self-absorbed. Losing my mind. Seriously.

I need to see Dr. Amazing immediately. I don't know what's wrong with me. And I'm having old thoughts and desires and those are just no good. I'm afraid I'm going to start cutting myself again. I feel like that's what all this is going to culminate in finally.

I can't get addicted to that again.

Pray for me.

--
Arianne

11:39 PM ::
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Arianne. I'm a 22 year old young woman and I'm on the cusp of beginning my entire life, a thought which terrifies and exhilirates me--often at the same time. I am learning to love myself for the first time in my life. I am learning to find true happiness, ready to find love when he's ready to find me and always waiting for something better.
Previously
Yeah, Yeah. Here you go. - 12 March 2005
Nothing to Say to You. - 09 February 2005
The Way I Feel for You. - 25 January 2005
Eh, it's random. - 15 January 2005
:) - 09 January 2005
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