Everything I Need to Know, I Haven't...

It seems that I keep relearning the same lessons. I had a check up with Dr. Amazing the other day and he says that he's often surprised with the amount of acquired life knowledge I have. He says that a lot of people aren't as self-aware as I am and that most don't learn the life lessons I've learned until they're well into their middle age. And though that sounds reassuring, maybe even empowering, I don't know that I really am happy to have learned them all or, more to the point, relearning them now.

I'm constantly reminded that preconceptions and estimations of many things in my life are all for naught. They're all blown out of the water at some point. It never fails. I suppose that I should know this by now, but admitting to yourself that nothing is reliable or dependable is not quite the "light bulb" moment that it's advertised to be. I used to read a lot of Henry Rollins ('member the hardcore, angry front man of "Black Flag?") and his poetry and prose were thematically based around this idea of personal interdepedence. He called it "one" or "number one." I thought that his ideas, though incredibly interesting and even addictive for me, were terribly fatalistic. I'm an idealist at heart I suppose and probably too sensitive for my own good, but I really want to hold onto this idea that things and people can be as good as the way that I have built them to be in my head. But, as I reconstruct my reality, I am reconsidering these ideas. I think that it must be a terribly lonely feeling. Evenstill, it's becoming my truth.

Moral of this story?

I think that I have to start abandoning my rules.

On to a better tomorrow--

Arianne