I'm not a bitch, I promise. I'm just neurotic.

Too much time for thinking can prove to be a bit more disconcerting than one would normally imagine. I've been thinking for most of the day and could stand to take a break, but there doesn't seem to be a break in sight as it's a quarter after eleven on Friday nite and I have a competition to get up for in a matter of hours. I'll have to resign myself to admitting that this entry will probably be the best (?) part of tonite. Oh, and shaving. The best part about being a girl is shaving and being silky smooth all over. :) Hooray for femininity!

That said, I've realized tonite that I seem to have made what may soon be considered a relatively major mistake in the realm of boys and 'adult' relationships. I've started talking to this ultra hip, wonderboy of sorts who is seemingly untouchable when it comes to human shortcomings. The kid, who we'll call 'S,' is beyond being just a good guy. In fact, he's so far from being beyond merely 'good guy' status that he can't even see it from where he's standing.

Consider this situation. S is a twenty-two year old male from Tanzania. He comes from what I can only guess is pretty affluent family. (He mentioned once something about his dad being the administer of a couple of different governmental departments in Tanzania...)He's super attractive and has a smile that is straight out of a Crest commercial. He's currently a triple major at a private university where he is on a full athletic scholarship for football and consistently maintains a grade point average somewhere in the upper 3.6 neighborhood. Did I mention that the kid is some sort of football prodigy? He's practiced with a couple of NFL teams and stands a pretty good chance of 'making it.' And still, it continues to get better. He's a really sweet guy, saying all of the right things and possessing some of the cutest and most endearing qualities that I have encountered in a dude for some time. He's perpetually in a good mood and sees his world with eyes that find glasses half full. When he called me in the middle of the nite the other nite, he was singing some country song that he apparently really liked. It was really cute. :) He's smart, motivated, funny, hard-working and a gentleman, too. These are characteristics that do not typically come standard in the average twenty two year old man.

A perfect and wonderful guy makes for a perfect and wonderful situation, right? Enter me.

I could totally get into S. My head thinks that things could go really well. And he says the he's interested in me, says that he has "a really good feeling" about this. He wants me to see him. I want to see him. I definitely want to see him. Well, hell, who wouldn't want to meet someone of his calibur? Except I'm petrifed that I'll disappoint him. A girl like me doesn't snag dudes like this. S is a guy who could have anyone in the entire world that he wanted. He's even said to me that he has girls crawling all over him. I just don't know how to compete in this kind of situation. I'ts like having a hundred beautiful things put in your hands and then staring dumbly at them, trying to figure out exactly what to do with them. I don't want them to all wash away.

And I've managed to anger him. When I told him that I wasn't ready to meet up just yet (strictly based on my afore mentioned neurotic self image thing), he, understandably, became irritated, frustrated and annoyed. I called him, but he didn't return my fone call. I e-mailed him and tried to explain things, but don't know if he received the e-mail. He'll be out of town all weekend with the "guys" for the holiday. I'm okay with him being upset with me, I've kind of driven him to it, but I really don't want my stupid insecurity to have compromised something that has potential to become much more than what it is.

So, anyway, if you're reading this, throw a couple of positive thoughts my way, please. I seem to have an uncanny ability to drive people that I should have in my life right on out of it.