To Be so Much More than Who I am.

--

Gregory Hines

***

The sweet smells of spring in the evening and distant highway travellers all sneak into my room through the window before I sleep. Today was a day. Not a day to say much about. A day that makes you feel sort of routine, monotonous and blah. These are the days that steal the life right out of your center.

***

I search for greatness in myself. Somewhere along the way I've decided that it must be there somewhere and yet it continues to evade me. A sign that it's to remain that way? I'm not sure. There are so many arenas in my life where I feel that I have fallen short. Always a split end away from just where I should be. Not happily established in achievement, but yet eternally rooted in potential. What could be. What should have been.

I teach dance. Have I mentioned that? I've been dancing since I was about five years old and have always had an intense passion for performing. It's something that kind of grew out of nowhere. I didn't know that I liked it until suddenly I liked it. Kind of like that. I like to think of it as the one place where I can go and be one of the best versions of myself.

And apparently, I was good at it. Seems like I'm looking back on a time long passed. I don't like feeling that way. There was a point in my life...oh, I guess about seven years ago (was I that young?) where I had all of the "right" stuff. Since I began competing, I had always managed to rather well for myself. I'd venture to say that in my entire competitive career (<--?), I came home with maybe five second or third places. It wouldn't be conceited that I'm a kick ass tap dancer. It's just the truth--even though saying it makes me feel self-centered.

The point of this? Oh yeah, I'm getting to that. I went on tour with a dance camp that was run by one of the most widely respected choreographers in the States. Joel Ruminer. He loved me and liked to remind me that I was his favorite kid of all the girls he'd brought on tour in years passed. So many people on that tour told me that I could really do something with my talent. One instructor told me on the last day of camp my first summer that through our time together I helped him remember why it was that he began teaching dance in the first place. He put his hands on my shoulders that nite, looked at me with an intensity that I won't forget and said, "Arianne, there is something very great inside of you. You can do something amazing with your gifts. Do it." I remember feeling so independent that summer, so confident, so fulfilled--so alive. And more than believing that I could indeed do anything, I wanted to do everything.

Now I'm 21 and teaching dance in two local dance studios. It's fulfilling, I suppose. Overall, I'm satisfied, but I don't feel the passion I once did. I know that I'm supposed to be so much more than this. I think the truth in it all is that I'm just scared. I don't know what I'm scared of exactly. I don't have a lot of direct experience with situations where I am rejected, but I'm terrified of it occurring--even despite the fact that I know it isn't the end of the world.

Sometimes I wish that I just had someone to kick my scared ass in the right direction.

When I tap, when I teach tap, when I think tap, I'm overwhelmed by the most joyous, challenging, awe-inspiring, perfect feeling that I have ever known. Nothing makes me happier. NothingI freaking love it.

***

I have the same feeling when I teach. When I teach anything. I know that I have potential to be an amazing teacher. I want so desperately, so badly to have a profound impact on my students' lives. I don't feel that there's a greater testament to a person's personal success than their influence on someone else's life. That is where you are most accurately measured as an individual.

I want to have this interaction on so many levels. I want to dip my hands into so many proverbial cookie jars. I want to teach English. I want to teach drama. I want to teach elementary. I want to open a performing arts studio.

I want to be a teacher who makes a difference. Scratch that. I want to be an individual who makes a lasting difference.

***

I want to be so creative. I am entirely engrossed in creativity. I need it on so many levels. I need to be stimulated by these things to gain any sort of contentment from my life.

I have an almost unhealthy relationship with art. I need it to feel alive. Music, drama, art, dance, etc...It runs through my veins.

I would love the opportunity to experience the shit out of the creative arts. I would like to do anything that my little heart desired. So much self-discovery in the artistic process.

***

And I want to learn. When I was little, I was labeled as being "gifted," whatever that is supposed to mean. Take it as you will. The point is, according to standardized tests, I have the mental capacity to reach greatness with my mind and I want to seek this to no end. I want to know.

When I was in high school, I was overcome with the sheer need to stretch my mind. I reached out to so many people, (teachers!! gifted education teachers!!) to help me fill this void and I was flatly rejected. I needed a facillitator. I want to be challenged. I want to be well-rounded. I want to be brilliant

***

I want to reach my own standards.

***

These thoughts...

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Arianne